Are you ready?

Today I read from Psalm 46. In it, it speaks of God's ability to break every spear, to end all wars, and to see every nation bow before Him. I can see this God. I can understand why He wants to change it all and see peace. On in my devotions, it has me read Isaiah 1:21-26 which is the opposite of the God of peace that Psalms speaks about. It is speaking about the God who melts away every bad thing about a nation, and burns away every inch of wrongdoing. Two very opposite sides of God's person. hm... not quite sure what to think about this. It reminds me that even though God is love, He is also justice. He is a God of mercy and grace, but also one that wants to change us, to take away the sin in our lives and make us new. This is not always easy, as many Christians know. We like to have things given to us easy, let us make one decision and everything in our lives will change and all the bad stuff will go away. But sometimes, even when we are doing all the right things, bad things can still come. Our behavior modification cannot, in any way, change the will of God for who He wants us to be. We have to let Him in. Let Him do the work, and make the changes in our lives. Giving up control is the hardest part. I still struggle with this daily.... but I know that God knows what I need at every point in this journey, and that He will change me when I need to be changed, not necessarily when I am ready to change. In our spirits we yearn for this... in our hearts we ache to know the God who can give us peace, but also the God who can light a fire under our butts if that's what we need. If your heart is yearning for something, and you are not sure what, ask God, and He will give it to you. You must be open for the change, whether or not you are ready.

My Body.

So, my whole life, no matter what my weight has been, I have always had what some would call a "booty." Most the time, if I get comments, it's from black men telling me how amazing it is. No joke. For me that always felt really embarrassing. Not because they were black, but because I stood out from other white women because of it. And got weird comments and attention because of it.

Well, yesterday I was walking with my very petite friend, size small, Sarah, whom I love very much from one end of the mall to the other. A man yelled across the parking lot, "That's the biggest f******g a** I have ever seen," and the preceded to make lewd gestures to me. I gave him a death stare, and after a few seconds, replied very loudly, "wow, that's the smallest penis I have ever seen." Um, yeah. Not my greatest moment in life. It was certainly an emotional reaction, but I was put completely off guard. But the truth is, I do have a big butt. I hate it. No matter how much I work out, no matter what I do, I will ALWAYS have a big butt. And what I really wish I would have said is, "Yes, I know. But I also have a God who loves me just the way I am. Do you know Him?"

As much as him saying that put a huge dent in my already fragile self-esteem, it again brings to attention the need for me to have God-esteem. To not love myself because others love me, or because I can possibly love myself enough for it to make any difference at all. I can do neither of those things. The only way I can value myself, love myself, is know that there is a great, big, amazing God who loves me more than any of those things combined can ever love me. I know this, and yet I falter. My faith is so little. I need to stand in Him, and be strong. I am so tired of my unbelief. I know that God can heal this heart, and all I need to do is let go and let Him. Silly little me! I am getting there....

Reading back...

So, after going back and reading my last post, I sure did sound pretty whiny. Lol... promise to sound a little more upbeat this time. God has been teaching me a few things over the last few months, and so here they are.
1) It doesn't really matter what plans or dreams I have for myself. God is going to get His way with me. I can fight it all I want, but in the end it's just going to make me unhappy. And God want's me to find joy and peace in Him. And rest in Him, knowing that He is going to give me all that I need. I knew these things in my head, but not in my heart.
2) God is always going to win. It really does not matter how I feel about different people or situations in my life. He has already won. And that's enough.
3) All of Him, is more than enough for me. Being a Christian is a process. It takes time to learn and grow. To change into what God want's me to be. I didn't just wake up one day and become an adult. It took lots of time for that to happen. It's the same for being a Christian.
4)God loves me all the time. No matter what. Even when I am stupid and petty and ridiculous, He accepts me and love's me. He knows my heart in all matters. This gives me peace.
5) There is nothing in the world that can ever take away all pain and suffering. It is through these times that God shows me who He is, where He wants me to go, and who He want's me to be.
God is so marvelous, amazing, indescribable, uncontainable,awesome, powerful, loving caring wonderful, incredible, merciful... there are just not enough word's to describe a God that has made all of creation from the breath that comes from Him. I am so thankful to know this God. So grateful to be filled with the wonder of loving Him, and to be loved by Him in return for all that I am. And all that I am not.

Friends.

Sometimes I just feel like I need someone on my side. Without any extended family that lives near us, I just need the support and the love. I guess if someone I know really hurt a friend of mine, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with that person. It's just how I feel. That is what a friend of mine is doing, and I know I don't "own" her, and she makes her own decisions, but it hurts me to know she continues to pursue it, without any thought about my feelings. And it hurts me. In the past, I am never the one chosen. She will probably choose this other friend, and I guess I have to be okay with that. But I am not. It hurts. Makes me feel wounder, vulnerable, and not want to put myself out there to be hurt again. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of not being allowed to be the person God made me to be. Is something wrong with me? There has to be. And I just can't figure out what. I know people make their own choices, but I just don't understand it.

I am not allowed to share the talents God gave me, I am not allowed to be opinionated, passionate, loving, caring, over the top, weird person that God made me to be. I feel like I have to change those things about myself to be liked. And I hate that. I hate feeling like God made me this way, yet people can't accept that in me and see the positives in it. Everything about the speaker I listened to this weekend was about BE yourself. BE who God made you to be. Just BE. What is you are being, yet other's hate you for it and cut you down time and again? What does one do then? I am so hurt. I just don't know who to talk to.

Worthy of Love.

So, I am not quite sure what to think about anything anymore. In the last three months I have been ripped apart from head to toe from someone that I care about deeply, and was good friends with at one time. Was all that fake? All the times we hung out and talked, and watched our children play together? I am just so confused about it, and so hurt. For much of my life I have felt that I am just not worth loving... my parents don't really love me, my siblings are more strangers than friends. There are three people in this world that love me completely, and that is Kyle, and his mom and dad. So, am I really worth loving?

I want you to know that I am writing from a very wounded place right now, and even though I still believe there is a God that truly, completely loves me, I am still unsure why. What is it that God wants from me in return? There is absolutely nothing I can give. The truth is, all he wants is my love to Him. I know this and I still find it hard to understand.

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongues, you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

This is one of my favorite Psalms... it just reminds me every time that there is this huge God that knows so much beyond what I am feeling, what I know, and where I am going. I just can't do it on my own...

People think I have it all together, but I seriously don't. I just have a God that does, and He is slowly and patiently showing me the way. I know I am not perfect, and so far from Holy it's amazing that He wants me at all, but He does. I cannot fathom the depths of His love, and I will never be able to. I am just learning to rest there, and know that it's true.

So tired...

So, since the last time I posted, I have moved, worked on women's retreat stuff, had an appreciation dinner for the church board, a super bowl party, regular church stuff, and watched Zay three days this week. I don't know when life is going to slow down, but I wish it would soon. I am tired and need a break. I have absolutely no want to decorate this house, or spend time totally getting settled in. We have said a few times that we are going to buy a house, but we have been so busy we really haven't had time to move forward on any of it. =( I want it to happen yesterday! lol... I am not so good at being patient.
Anyway, I am struggling with why God gave me this talent to be able to sing, and to never really use it for anything. Any time I actually have an opportunity to do anything with it, the door gets slammed in my face. So why do I have this ability? Why is it something I love and am passionate about, and yet do not have the power or doors opened to me to do anything with it? I just don't understand... but I know that God has a plan and purpose for it, I just have to wait and see. Again on the patience thing. I know. Well, I am going to have to go feed my sons some dinner. Maybe I will be able to talk again tomorrow. ttyl, for now. val

Just trying to get through.

So, I have about fifty things I needs to get done in the next week, and that doesn't include the Women's Retreat stuff I have to do for church. Ugh. I think I may be experiencing some panic/stress symptoms, but I am not going to tell very many people that, cuz I don't' want them asking me if I am okay all the time. I know that sounds stupid, but I just get annoyed with it. Anywho- Went to the library today and got a couple books, because reading always makes me feel a little better. It helps to distract from all the craziness going on all around me, and I need that right now. Music is helping me with that, too, but not as much as I need it to. I got all the utilities changed over today. That is going to be expensive. =( I know, I am whining today, but it's just how I feel! lol... I don't even want to move. So it's annoying. Gracen is at school, and it doesn't help that I said I would watch two little boys in the next couple days, not just the one I normally have. Stupid, I know, but we couldn't afford to not have them these two days with all of the expense of moving in the first place. Hopefully I will be able to get more done tomorrow and tonight than I have during the day today. We will see... For some reason, writing on here really helps me feel more put together. I don't know why, I don't really care if anyone read's it or not, it just helps me put down my thoughts. I need to do this more often. On top of that, I love to type, and for some reason find it very relaxing. Sometimes at night, when I can't sleep, I type in my head just to calm down. I am so weird! lol... At least I can admit it. =P

All things said, I <3 my God, my husband, and my sons more than anything, and I find my happiness in being with them. I just need to remember to breath every now and then, and it will all be over in time. Patience is such a hard thing to remember. And trying not to eat my anxiety away. I have done pretty good the last two days. Although, I did have two cupcakes today after lunch. Oh wait, three. =( That was pretty stupid, but I will hopefully burn it off in the next day or so.

So much to think about...

It is better to be kind, than to be right...
A friend of mine posted this a couple days ago on facebook, and I have been thinking a lot about that. I like to be right, a lot... I guess we all do. I don't think I am any worse than anyone else, and I don't have a problem with listening to anyone else's opinions or feelings about any subject. I hope that is how people perceive me...

Anyway, many things have gone through my head today. Do I emotionally "poke" people? Do I unintentionally hurt people's feelings by the opinions I have, and the need to voice them? I have been praying for wisdom in this, and with a friendship that has gone sour for all the wrong reasons. I feel like it's all just really bad communication. I really care about this friend. In fact I love her a lot, and her thoughts of me matter to me more than I let on. I am not sure if they should, but they do. When we started our friendship, we connected really easily and quickly. It doesn't seem that way now, unfortunately, and I am not quite sure how to repair it. The most recent issue was not even mine, and I would not have even known about it if it wasn't for another friend who she told about it, telling my husband... ARGH! I HATE hearing things like this third hand, and I wish she would have just come to me so we could talk about it. I have asked her to do this if there was ever an issue that she had with me, but for some reason she must not be comfortable with that. What do I do? How do I proceed? I just don't know.
Right now I am taking time to pray about it, and seek God's wisdom in it. I am reading his word, and thinking about it throughout the day, and just really talking it over with Him. I just can't wrap my head around why this was such a big deal. And I feel that if she doesn't talk to me about it, I cannot really know what is going on.

I guess we will see. And I will continue to pray, and seek God.

Anyway, we are moving on Friday, and the packing job is probably the worst I have ever seen, but I don't want to be moving, so I am doing it petulantly. Life throws some curve balls every now and then, doesn't it?

My stomach has gotten so fat, I hate it completely. It used to be one of my favorite body parts, cuz I never gained weight there, and it was always flat. Not anymore! Three babies later, and after this last one, it's not coming off as easily. I don't know if that is an age thing or what, but I need to get my hormones checked, but I have no health insurance. That won't be happening anytime soon! lol... Oh well, God is so good no matter what is happening in my life, and with my body, and I have asked Him to help me with both, so we will see. :)

I am going to go get on the treadmill now and try to finish up cleaning the kitchen. Hopefully will get everything done before Kyle, Gracen and Payton get home from church. I have taken tonight and last week off, I have just needed it. I had not missed one day of church since forever ago, so I think it was okay.

C-ya!

Hm.... it's been a while.

hello... It's Valerie again. It's been well over a year since I started this blog, and lots of things have happened since then! We decided to have another baby, and he came into our lives three weeks early on April 26th, 2010. His name is Braden Dean... I love him more every day! He is such a happy, easy going baby. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful children, but they are amazing.

We are moving again, back into the house that we originally lived in when we first moved here. Weird, I know, but it was the best deal for the size house we need. =) Life takes some interesting turns... We are thinking about buying a house in the next couple months, so we may end up moving again. Who knows? lol...

I am the heaviest I have ever been. I have never been teeny tiny. Even in high school when I was total muscle, I was a size ten jeans. But I felt good, and was confident with myself and my body. Right now I am probably around 230 lbs... and I feel it. I hate it, every day, all day. I feel like I don't eat a lot... but I know that I tend to eat when I am bored or anxious about something, and since I had Braden, all I crave are fried foods, sweets and salty stuff. All the worst stuff possible. I never used to like that stuff at all, so it's weird for me to continue craving things I have not liked my entire life. (I have always liked sweets, I guess it's the salt and fried stuff that I am talking about.) What's funny is that I have an amazing life. I seriously have the most amazing husband ever, and the most adorable, loving, boys I could ever asked for. I just don't understand what my problem is. I would love to have a gym membership, but we just don't have the money for it. And probably won't in the near or far away future. It sucks. We have a treadmill, but seriously, that is only interesting for so long. I love to walk outside, but with all the rain here, that is next to impossible. So, these are all my excuses...

So, one of my goals is to run a 5k race this summer. It takes place on July 4th, and I am so bad at finishing goals, that I really hope I finish this one. I am truly horrible at finishing this kind of thing. For some reason I just see it as impossible, and I just want to quit before it's even started. My second goal is to fit into my wedding dress again, which is a size 14, by the end of this summer. I would guess I need to loose about 90 pounds to get into it. Ugh.

Through all of this, I am still nursing Braden, which I love to do, but I can't wait to have my body back. I worry about cutting my caloric intake too much, and not providing enough for him. Is this stupid? Who knows. I just worry about it . My milk supply isn't great most days anyway, and since he started solids, it's been pretty low. Luckily he loves drinking out of a cup, so it's not too bad.

Now, on to my children:
Gracen is 5, and is in kindergarten. He is so cuddly and handsome, I love him so much. He is very smart, and already doing 1st grade school work. He is reading really well. Bad news is, he may need glasses. At the doctor's office, he had a hard time seeing the little pictures. I guess we will see.
Payton is now 3, soon to be 4... my oh my how time flies! He is just precious. His red hair and mischievous eyes are just too much for me to handle some days! He has this personality that I love... I love him more than words can say. =) He is in preschool, which he does so well in.
Braden is nine months old tomorrow, and he is just the happiest, most amazing baby ever. He has slept through the night since he was 5 weeks old, and he is just adorable. People are constantly saying how happy and handsome he is. =) I will post some updated pics of them with this one.

Kyle and I have been married for eight years! Time flies when your having fun... =) He has taught me so much about myself, and he loves me so well. He is handsome, smart, kind, caring... I love him more than anything. I could not imagine life without him.

So, that's the biggest update I can manage. I have got to go get the boys in bed. Thanks for reading. =)