Friends.

Sometimes I just feel like I need someone on my side. Without any extended family that lives near us, I just need the support and the love. I guess if someone I know really hurt a friend of mine, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with that person. It's just how I feel. That is what a friend of mine is doing, and I know I don't "own" her, and she makes her own decisions, but it hurts me to know she continues to pursue it, without any thought about my feelings. And it hurts me. In the past, I am never the one chosen. She will probably choose this other friend, and I guess I have to be okay with that. But I am not. It hurts. Makes me feel wounder, vulnerable, and not want to put myself out there to be hurt again. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of not being allowed to be the person God made me to be. Is something wrong with me? There has to be. And I just can't figure out what. I know people make their own choices, but I just don't understand it.

I am not allowed to share the talents God gave me, I am not allowed to be opinionated, passionate, loving, caring, over the top, weird person that God made me to be. I feel like I have to change those things about myself to be liked. And I hate that. I hate feeling like God made me this way, yet people can't accept that in me and see the positives in it. Everything about the speaker I listened to this weekend was about BE yourself. BE who God made you to be. Just BE. What is you are being, yet other's hate you for it and cut you down time and again? What does one do then? I am so hurt. I just don't know who to talk to.