Are you ready?

Today I read from Psalm 46. In it, it speaks of God's ability to break every spear, to end all wars, and to see every nation bow before Him. I can see this God. I can understand why He wants to change it all and see peace. On in my devotions, it has me read Isaiah 1:21-26 which is the opposite of the God of peace that Psalms speaks about. It is speaking about the God who melts away every bad thing about a nation, and burns away every inch of wrongdoing. Two very opposite sides of God's person. hm... not quite sure what to think about this. It reminds me that even though God is love, He is also justice. He is a God of mercy and grace, but also one that wants to change us, to take away the sin in our lives and make us new. This is not always easy, as many Christians know. We like to have things given to us easy, let us make one decision and everything in our lives will change and all the bad stuff will go away. But sometimes, even when we are doing all the right things, bad things can still come. Our behavior modification cannot, in any way, change the will of God for who He wants us to be. We have to let Him in. Let Him do the work, and make the changes in our lives. Giving up control is the hardest part. I still struggle with this daily.... but I know that God knows what I need at every point in this journey, and that He will change me when I need to be changed, not necessarily when I am ready to change. In our spirits we yearn for this... in our hearts we ache to know the God who can give us peace, but also the God who can light a fire under our butts if that's what we need. If your heart is yearning for something, and you are not sure what, ask God, and He will give it to you. You must be open for the change, whether or not you are ready.

My Body.

So, my whole life, no matter what my weight has been, I have always had what some would call a "booty." Most the time, if I get comments, it's from black men telling me how amazing it is. No joke. For me that always felt really embarrassing. Not because they were black, but because I stood out from other white women because of it. And got weird comments and attention because of it.

Well, yesterday I was walking with my very petite friend, size small, Sarah, whom I love very much from one end of the mall to the other. A man yelled across the parking lot, "That's the biggest f******g a** I have ever seen," and the preceded to make lewd gestures to me. I gave him a death stare, and after a few seconds, replied very loudly, "wow, that's the smallest penis I have ever seen." Um, yeah. Not my greatest moment in life. It was certainly an emotional reaction, but I was put completely off guard. But the truth is, I do have a big butt. I hate it. No matter how much I work out, no matter what I do, I will ALWAYS have a big butt. And what I really wish I would have said is, "Yes, I know. But I also have a God who loves me just the way I am. Do you know Him?"

As much as him saying that put a huge dent in my already fragile self-esteem, it again brings to attention the need for me to have God-esteem. To not love myself because others love me, or because I can possibly love myself enough for it to make any difference at all. I can do neither of those things. The only way I can value myself, love myself, is know that there is a great, big, amazing God who loves me more than any of those things combined can ever love me. I know this, and yet I falter. My faith is so little. I need to stand in Him, and be strong. I am so tired of my unbelief. I know that God can heal this heart, and all I need to do is let go and let Him. Silly little me! I am getting there....

Reading back...

So, after going back and reading my last post, I sure did sound pretty whiny. Lol... promise to sound a little more upbeat this time. God has been teaching me a few things over the last few months, and so here they are.
1) It doesn't really matter what plans or dreams I have for myself. God is going to get His way with me. I can fight it all I want, but in the end it's just going to make me unhappy. And God want's me to find joy and peace in Him. And rest in Him, knowing that He is going to give me all that I need. I knew these things in my head, but not in my heart.
2) God is always going to win. It really does not matter how I feel about different people or situations in my life. He has already won. And that's enough.
3) All of Him, is more than enough for me. Being a Christian is a process. It takes time to learn and grow. To change into what God want's me to be. I didn't just wake up one day and become an adult. It took lots of time for that to happen. It's the same for being a Christian.
4)God loves me all the time. No matter what. Even when I am stupid and petty and ridiculous, He accepts me and love's me. He knows my heart in all matters. This gives me peace.
5) There is nothing in the world that can ever take away all pain and suffering. It is through these times that God shows me who He is, where He wants me to go, and who He want's me to be.
God is so marvelous, amazing, indescribable, uncontainable,awesome, powerful, loving caring wonderful, incredible, merciful... there are just not enough word's to describe a God that has made all of creation from the breath that comes from Him. I am so thankful to know this God. So grateful to be filled with the wonder of loving Him, and to be loved by Him in return for all that I am. And all that I am not.

Friends.

Sometimes I just feel like I need someone on my side. Without any extended family that lives near us, I just need the support and the love. I guess if someone I know really hurt a friend of mine, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with that person. It's just how I feel. That is what a friend of mine is doing, and I know I don't "own" her, and she makes her own decisions, but it hurts me to know she continues to pursue it, without any thought about my feelings. And it hurts me. In the past, I am never the one chosen. She will probably choose this other friend, and I guess I have to be okay with that. But I am not. It hurts. Makes me feel wounder, vulnerable, and not want to put myself out there to be hurt again. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of not being allowed to be the person God made me to be. Is something wrong with me? There has to be. And I just can't figure out what. I know people make their own choices, but I just don't understand it.

I am not allowed to share the talents God gave me, I am not allowed to be opinionated, passionate, loving, caring, over the top, weird person that God made me to be. I feel like I have to change those things about myself to be liked. And I hate that. I hate feeling like God made me this way, yet people can't accept that in me and see the positives in it. Everything about the speaker I listened to this weekend was about BE yourself. BE who God made you to be. Just BE. What is you are being, yet other's hate you for it and cut you down time and again? What does one do then? I am so hurt. I just don't know who to talk to.

Worthy of Love.

So, I am not quite sure what to think about anything anymore. In the last three months I have been ripped apart from head to toe from someone that I care about deeply, and was good friends with at one time. Was all that fake? All the times we hung out and talked, and watched our children play together? I am just so confused about it, and so hurt. For much of my life I have felt that I am just not worth loving... my parents don't really love me, my siblings are more strangers than friends. There are three people in this world that love me completely, and that is Kyle, and his mom and dad. So, am I really worth loving?

I want you to know that I am writing from a very wounded place right now, and even though I still believe there is a God that truly, completely loves me, I am still unsure why. What is it that God wants from me in return? There is absolutely nothing I can give. The truth is, all he wants is my love to Him. I know this and I still find it hard to understand.

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongues, you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

This is one of my favorite Psalms... it just reminds me every time that there is this huge God that knows so much beyond what I am feeling, what I know, and where I am going. I just can't do it on my own...

People think I have it all together, but I seriously don't. I just have a God that does, and He is slowly and patiently showing me the way. I know I am not perfect, and so far from Holy it's amazing that He wants me at all, but He does. I cannot fathom the depths of His love, and I will never be able to. I am just learning to rest there, and know that it's true.

So tired...

So, since the last time I posted, I have moved, worked on women's retreat stuff, had an appreciation dinner for the church board, a super bowl party, regular church stuff, and watched Zay three days this week. I don't know when life is going to slow down, but I wish it would soon. I am tired and need a break. I have absolutely no want to decorate this house, or spend time totally getting settled in. We have said a few times that we are going to buy a house, but we have been so busy we really haven't had time to move forward on any of it. =( I want it to happen yesterday! lol... I am not so good at being patient.
Anyway, I am struggling with why God gave me this talent to be able to sing, and to never really use it for anything. Any time I actually have an opportunity to do anything with it, the door gets slammed in my face. So why do I have this ability? Why is it something I love and am passionate about, and yet do not have the power or doors opened to me to do anything with it? I just don't understand... but I know that God has a plan and purpose for it, I just have to wait and see. Again on the patience thing. I know. Well, I am going to have to go feed my sons some dinner. Maybe I will be able to talk again tomorrow. ttyl, for now. val

Just trying to get through.

So, I have about fifty things I needs to get done in the next week, and that doesn't include the Women's Retreat stuff I have to do for church. Ugh. I think I may be experiencing some panic/stress symptoms, but I am not going to tell very many people that, cuz I don't' want them asking me if I am okay all the time. I know that sounds stupid, but I just get annoyed with it. Anywho- Went to the library today and got a couple books, because reading always makes me feel a little better. It helps to distract from all the craziness going on all around me, and I need that right now. Music is helping me with that, too, but not as much as I need it to. I got all the utilities changed over today. That is going to be expensive. =( I know, I am whining today, but it's just how I feel! lol... I don't even want to move. So it's annoying. Gracen is at school, and it doesn't help that I said I would watch two little boys in the next couple days, not just the one I normally have. Stupid, I know, but we couldn't afford to not have them these two days with all of the expense of moving in the first place. Hopefully I will be able to get more done tomorrow and tonight than I have during the day today. We will see... For some reason, writing on here really helps me feel more put together. I don't know why, I don't really care if anyone read's it or not, it just helps me put down my thoughts. I need to do this more often. On top of that, I love to type, and for some reason find it very relaxing. Sometimes at night, when I can't sleep, I type in my head just to calm down. I am so weird! lol... At least I can admit it. =P

All things said, I <3 my God, my husband, and my sons more than anything, and I find my happiness in being with them. I just need to remember to breath every now and then, and it will all be over in time. Patience is such a hard thing to remember. And trying not to eat my anxiety away. I have done pretty good the last two days. Although, I did have two cupcakes today after lunch. Oh wait, three. =( That was pretty stupid, but I will hopefully burn it off in the next day or so.