My Body.

So, my whole life, no matter what my weight has been, I have always had what some would call a "booty." Most the time, if I get comments, it's from black men telling me how amazing it is. No joke. For me that always felt really embarrassing. Not because they were black, but because I stood out from other white women because of it. And got weird comments and attention because of it.

Well, yesterday I was walking with my very petite friend, size small, Sarah, whom I love very much from one end of the mall to the other. A man yelled across the parking lot, "That's the biggest f******g a** I have ever seen," and the preceded to make lewd gestures to me. I gave him a death stare, and after a few seconds, replied very loudly, "wow, that's the smallest penis I have ever seen." Um, yeah. Not my greatest moment in life. It was certainly an emotional reaction, but I was put completely off guard. But the truth is, I do have a big butt. I hate it. No matter how much I work out, no matter what I do, I will ALWAYS have a big butt. And what I really wish I would have said is, "Yes, I know. But I also have a God who loves me just the way I am. Do you know Him?"

As much as him saying that put a huge dent in my already fragile self-esteem, it again brings to attention the need for me to have God-esteem. To not love myself because others love me, or because I can possibly love myself enough for it to make any difference at all. I can do neither of those things. The only way I can value myself, love myself, is know that there is a great, big, amazing God who loves me more than any of those things combined can ever love me. I know this, and yet I falter. My faith is so little. I need to stand in Him, and be strong. I am so tired of my unbelief. I know that God can heal this heart, and all I need to do is let go and let Him. Silly little me! I am getting there....