Just trying to get through.

So, I have about fifty things I needs to get done in the next week, and that doesn't include the Women's Retreat stuff I have to do for church. Ugh. I think I may be experiencing some panic/stress symptoms, but I am not going to tell very many people that, cuz I don't' want them asking me if I am okay all the time. I know that sounds stupid, but I just get annoyed with it. Anywho- Went to the library today and got a couple books, because reading always makes me feel a little better. It helps to distract from all the craziness going on all around me, and I need that right now. Music is helping me with that, too, but not as much as I need it to. I got all the utilities changed over today. That is going to be expensive. =( I know, I am whining today, but it's just how I feel! lol... I don't even want to move. So it's annoying. Gracen is at school, and it doesn't help that I said I would watch two little boys in the next couple days, not just the one I normally have. Stupid, I know, but we couldn't afford to not have them these two days with all of the expense of moving in the first place. Hopefully I will be able to get more done tomorrow and tonight than I have during the day today. We will see... For some reason, writing on here really helps me feel more put together. I don't know why, I don't really care if anyone read's it or not, it just helps me put down my thoughts. I need to do this more often. On top of that, I love to type, and for some reason find it very relaxing. Sometimes at night, when I can't sleep, I type in my head just to calm down. I am so weird! lol... At least I can admit it. =P

All things said, I <3 my God, my husband, and my sons more than anything, and I find my happiness in being with them. I just need to remember to breath every now and then, and it will all be over in time. Patience is such a hard thing to remember. And trying not to eat my anxiety away. I have done pretty good the last two days. Although, I did have two cupcakes today after lunch. Oh wait, three. =( That was pretty stupid, but I will hopefully burn it off in the next day or so.

So much to think about...

It is better to be kind, than to be right...
A friend of mine posted this a couple days ago on facebook, and I have been thinking a lot about that. I like to be right, a lot... I guess we all do. I don't think I am any worse than anyone else, and I don't have a problem with listening to anyone else's opinions or feelings about any subject. I hope that is how people perceive me...

Anyway, many things have gone through my head today. Do I emotionally "poke" people? Do I unintentionally hurt people's feelings by the opinions I have, and the need to voice them? I have been praying for wisdom in this, and with a friendship that has gone sour for all the wrong reasons. I feel like it's all just really bad communication. I really care about this friend. In fact I love her a lot, and her thoughts of me matter to me more than I let on. I am not sure if they should, but they do. When we started our friendship, we connected really easily and quickly. It doesn't seem that way now, unfortunately, and I am not quite sure how to repair it. The most recent issue was not even mine, and I would not have even known about it if it wasn't for another friend who she told about it, telling my husband... ARGH! I HATE hearing things like this third hand, and I wish she would have just come to me so we could talk about it. I have asked her to do this if there was ever an issue that she had with me, but for some reason she must not be comfortable with that. What do I do? How do I proceed? I just don't know.
Right now I am taking time to pray about it, and seek God's wisdom in it. I am reading his word, and thinking about it throughout the day, and just really talking it over with Him. I just can't wrap my head around why this was such a big deal. And I feel that if she doesn't talk to me about it, I cannot really know what is going on.

I guess we will see. And I will continue to pray, and seek God.

Anyway, we are moving on Friday, and the packing job is probably the worst I have ever seen, but I don't want to be moving, so I am doing it petulantly. Life throws some curve balls every now and then, doesn't it?

My stomach has gotten so fat, I hate it completely. It used to be one of my favorite body parts, cuz I never gained weight there, and it was always flat. Not anymore! Three babies later, and after this last one, it's not coming off as easily. I don't know if that is an age thing or what, but I need to get my hormones checked, but I have no health insurance. That won't be happening anytime soon! lol... Oh well, God is so good no matter what is happening in my life, and with my body, and I have asked Him to help me with both, so we will see. :)

I am going to go get on the treadmill now and try to finish up cleaning the kitchen. Hopefully will get everything done before Kyle, Gracen and Payton get home from church. I have taken tonight and last week off, I have just needed it. I had not missed one day of church since forever ago, so I think it was okay.

C-ya!

Hm.... it's been a while.

hello... It's Valerie again. It's been well over a year since I started this blog, and lots of things have happened since then! We decided to have another baby, and he came into our lives three weeks early on April 26th, 2010. His name is Braden Dean... I love him more every day! He is such a happy, easy going baby. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful children, but they are amazing.

We are moving again, back into the house that we originally lived in when we first moved here. Weird, I know, but it was the best deal for the size house we need. =) Life takes some interesting turns... We are thinking about buying a house in the next couple months, so we may end up moving again. Who knows? lol...

I am the heaviest I have ever been. I have never been teeny tiny. Even in high school when I was total muscle, I was a size ten jeans. But I felt good, and was confident with myself and my body. Right now I am probably around 230 lbs... and I feel it. I hate it, every day, all day. I feel like I don't eat a lot... but I know that I tend to eat when I am bored or anxious about something, and since I had Braden, all I crave are fried foods, sweets and salty stuff. All the worst stuff possible. I never used to like that stuff at all, so it's weird for me to continue craving things I have not liked my entire life. (I have always liked sweets, I guess it's the salt and fried stuff that I am talking about.) What's funny is that I have an amazing life. I seriously have the most amazing husband ever, and the most adorable, loving, boys I could ever asked for. I just don't understand what my problem is. I would love to have a gym membership, but we just don't have the money for it. And probably won't in the near or far away future. It sucks. We have a treadmill, but seriously, that is only interesting for so long. I love to walk outside, but with all the rain here, that is next to impossible. So, these are all my excuses...

So, one of my goals is to run a 5k race this summer. It takes place on July 4th, and I am so bad at finishing goals, that I really hope I finish this one. I am truly horrible at finishing this kind of thing. For some reason I just see it as impossible, and I just want to quit before it's even started. My second goal is to fit into my wedding dress again, which is a size 14, by the end of this summer. I would guess I need to loose about 90 pounds to get into it. Ugh.

Through all of this, I am still nursing Braden, which I love to do, but I can't wait to have my body back. I worry about cutting my caloric intake too much, and not providing enough for him. Is this stupid? Who knows. I just worry about it . My milk supply isn't great most days anyway, and since he started solids, it's been pretty low. Luckily he loves drinking out of a cup, so it's not too bad.

Now, on to my children:
Gracen is 5, and is in kindergarten. He is so cuddly and handsome, I love him so much. He is very smart, and already doing 1st grade school work. He is reading really well. Bad news is, he may need glasses. At the doctor's office, he had a hard time seeing the little pictures. I guess we will see.
Payton is now 3, soon to be 4... my oh my how time flies! He is just precious. His red hair and mischievous eyes are just too much for me to handle some days! He has this personality that I love... I love him more than words can say. =) He is in preschool, which he does so well in.
Braden is nine months old tomorrow, and he is just the happiest, most amazing baby ever. He has slept through the night since he was 5 weeks old, and he is just adorable. People are constantly saying how happy and handsome he is. =) I will post some updated pics of them with this one.

Kyle and I have been married for eight years! Time flies when your having fun... =) He has taught me so much about myself, and he loves me so well. He is handsome, smart, kind, caring... I love him more than anything. I could not imagine life without him.

So, that's the biggest update I can manage. I have got to go get the boys in bed. Thanks for reading. =)