Are you ready?

Today I read from Psalm 46. In it, it speaks of God's ability to break every spear, to end all wars, and to see every nation bow before Him. I can see this God. I can understand why He wants to change it all and see peace. On in my devotions, it has me read Isaiah 1:21-26 which is the opposite of the God of peace that Psalms speaks about. It is speaking about the God who melts away every bad thing about a nation, and burns away every inch of wrongdoing. Two very opposite sides of God's person. hm... not quite sure what to think about this. It reminds me that even though God is love, He is also justice. He is a God of mercy and grace, but also one that wants to change us, to take away the sin in our lives and make us new. This is not always easy, as many Christians know. We like to have things given to us easy, let us make one decision and everything in our lives will change and all the bad stuff will go away. But sometimes, even when we are doing all the right things, bad things can still come. Our behavior modification cannot, in any way, change the will of God for who He wants us to be. We have to let Him in. Let Him do the work, and make the changes in our lives. Giving up control is the hardest part. I still struggle with this daily.... but I know that God knows what I need at every point in this journey, and that He will change me when I need to be changed, not necessarily when I am ready to change. In our spirits we yearn for this... in our hearts we ache to know the God who can give us peace, but also the God who can light a fire under our butts if that's what we need. If your heart is yearning for something, and you are not sure what, ask God, and He will give it to you. You must be open for the change, whether or not you are ready.

My Body.

So, my whole life, no matter what my weight has been, I have always had what some would call a "booty." Most the time, if I get comments, it's from black men telling me how amazing it is. No joke. For me that always felt really embarrassing. Not because they were black, but because I stood out from other white women because of it. And got weird comments and attention because of it.

Well, yesterday I was walking with my very petite friend, size small, Sarah, whom I love very much from one end of the mall to the other. A man yelled across the parking lot, "That's the biggest f******g a** I have ever seen," and the preceded to make lewd gestures to me. I gave him a death stare, and after a few seconds, replied very loudly, "wow, that's the smallest penis I have ever seen." Um, yeah. Not my greatest moment in life. It was certainly an emotional reaction, but I was put completely off guard. But the truth is, I do have a big butt. I hate it. No matter how much I work out, no matter what I do, I will ALWAYS have a big butt. And what I really wish I would have said is, "Yes, I know. But I also have a God who loves me just the way I am. Do you know Him?"

As much as him saying that put a huge dent in my already fragile self-esteem, it again brings to attention the need for me to have God-esteem. To not love myself because others love me, or because I can possibly love myself enough for it to make any difference at all. I can do neither of those things. The only way I can value myself, love myself, is know that there is a great, big, amazing God who loves me more than any of those things combined can ever love me. I know this, and yet I falter. My faith is so little. I need to stand in Him, and be strong. I am so tired of my unbelief. I know that God can heal this heart, and all I need to do is let go and let Him. Silly little me! I am getting there....