So, I am not quite sure what to think about anything anymore. In the last three months I have been ripped apart from head to toe from someone that I care about deeply, and was good friends with at one time. Was all that fake? All the times we hung out and talked, and watched our children play together? I am just so confused about it, and so hurt. For much of my life I have felt that I am just not worth loving... my parents don't really love me, my siblings are more strangers than friends. There are three people in this world that love me completely, and that is Kyle, and his mom and dad. So, am I really worth loving?
I want you to know that I am writing from a very wounded place right now, and even though I still believe there is a God that truly, completely loves me, I am still unsure why. What is it that God wants from me in return? There is absolutely nothing I can give. The truth is, all he wants is my love to Him. I know this and I still find it hard to understand.
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongues, you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
This is one of my favorite Psalms... it just reminds me every time that there is this huge God that knows so much beyond what I am feeling, what I know, and where I am going. I just can't do it on my own...
People think I have it all together, but I seriously don't. I just have a God that does, and He is slowly and patiently showing me the way. I know I am not perfect, and so far from Holy it's amazing that He wants me at all, but He does. I cannot fathom the depths of His love, and I will never be able to. I am just learning to rest there, and know that it's true.
